CRITTERS

I’m not an animal person. I don’t dislike animals nor people who are animal lovers. I just don’t want pets of my own.

Growing up we had parakeets. They generally lived for a few years, then departed for budgie heaven. I learned it was best not to get too attached to them. I kept tropical fish that lived even shorter lives than parakeets before making the grand journey down the porcelain fixture.

After I left home my mother acquired a number of cats. I came home from seminary one weekend to find a large cat sleeping on a chair. “Who are you and what are you doing here?” I demanded. The cat slept on–though I had the distinct impression it was only pretending to be asleep to annoy me. It took several more visits home before I discovered the cats were using a secret weapon against me. Turned out I’m allergic to cat dander. A few hours in a cat’s presence and I start wheezing and coughing.

Another of my mother’s cats was distinctly antisocial both in regard to humans (except my mother) and other cats. It had to live all by itself in a four room apartment on the second floor of the house. Unfortunately that included the guest bedroom where I stayed when visiting. After a week or so of sharing space with the cat, my breathing became so labored that I wasn’t sure if I were coming to the end of my vacation or end of my life. I rarely saw this neurotic cat as it remained hidden for most of my visits. Occasionally, however, it would venture out into the middle of the next room and glare at me as if to say, “Are you still here?” By the way, this cat played fetch like a dog, at least when my mother played with her.

My sister now lives in the old family house. She has an entire menagerie currently consisting of a dog, two cats, tropical fish, and some sort of runt rodent which the cats find very entertaining. One of the cats took an instant dislike to me and hid every time I visited, a smart move in my opinion. Recently, however, the cat seems to have undergone a change of mind and now regards me as the best thing since catnip mice. It insists on sitting on my lap to take a snooze. Lucky me. I take mega doses of antihistamines when I visit.

My own animal world is confined to a number of Teddy bears. You don’t have to feed them or take them for walks. They don’t sit on your face while you’re lying in bed early in the morning. I never have to take them to the vet as I perform any necessary surgery myself using buttonhole thread for sutures. My Teddy bears love me unconditionally. They always listen to what I have to say although I am not sure Alexander understands English since he is of Russian extraction.

Living in Florida, however, makes almost daily encounters with real animals inescapable. I generally breakfast on my screened porch, but if I leave the door open too long, lizards sneak in. They really aren’t bad to have around since they eat bugs (which we have lots of here), but it can be unnerving to have a lizard run across your table while you’re eating.

Some years back I had a encounter with a larger reptile. I was serving as interim at a church that was being restored after hurricane Andrew swamped it under a 16' storm surge. One Sunday before people started arriving for services, I was sitting at the piano in the church sanctuary improvising. I am rather oblivious to my surroundings when I do that. This time I must have been totally zonked, for after several minutes I looked up to see a three-foot iguana sitting on top of the piano. It wasn’t doing anything, just sitting. Maybe it liked music or maybe it was deaf and couldn’t hear it. Well, I just kept on playing because I didn’t want the thing running around the church. Eventually someone showed up, threw a towel over it, and took it outside.

And then there was the time a couple of years ago when I was taking my morning walk around the duck pond and found a five-foot alligator sunning itself on the bank. I don’t know how it got here since we’re several miles from a river, but there it was. I took a detour around it before heading to the manager’s office. Somebody from the county came and removed it before it started snacking on people’s dogs.

Last month I read about someone else’s adventure with a reptile. A woman was shopping in the garden department of a local home improvement store and was bitten by a rattle snake. Since that happened about half a mile from where I live, I am a bit concerned. I shake out my trousers before putting them on just to be sure.

Lately, however, it has been amphibians troubling my life. There are a number of tree frogs in residence just outside my bedroom window. Around 2:30 in the morning they start in with the “Croaking Chorus.” Then there is a toad who shows up every so often and camps right in front of my door. It’s not so bad when I’m going into my apartment because I can shoo it away, but sometimes it’s there when I’m going out. Last week I opened the door to go to church and the toad hopped right in. I sent him hopping right out. Why me? The toad never sits in front of anyone else’s door. Maybe it’s my door mat. I have one made of some sort of natural fiber. When it gets wet, it sprouts mushrooms. Maybe they’re toad stools.

I don’t need any pets. There is quite enough wildlife around here without importing anything. Well, they’re all God’s creatures. As the fine old hymn says:

All things bright and beautiful.
All creatures great and small.
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

With or without animal companions,

May the Lord God bless you on your way and greet you on your arrival.

Wayne