NEW CAR

I bought a new car. Yes, I'm pleased to have it, but the process of obtaining drives me crazy. It's one of the few transactions we modern Americans still do like old-west horse trading. The buyer has to figure out how far down he can get the price while the seller tries to figure out how much the can get without the customer walking out. No one goes into the grocery store to argue with the clerk about the price of corn flakes (unless it scans wrong). I argued the price down three times, but still probably paid to much. Oh well.

I start planning for a new car years ahead of time. I had to finance the first few new cars I bought, but I new that was a waste of money. So I started saving the payments I had been making once the loan was paid off. By the time I was ready for my third new car, I already had all the money save–much to the dismay of the dealers who want to cheat you on the loan as well as the car.

I always held on to my cars too long. By the time it came to trader them in, they were worthless. In fact, three times I was still paying for repairs on the old car after I had traded it for the new one. I swore not to do it this time. My late, unlamented Ford needed new brakes, new tires, and some plastic do-hicky had broken over the gear selector mechanism. The a few weeks ago, all the dashboard lights went out except for the turn signals which stayed on continuously. I hit a bump and everything went back to normal. I took that as a sign that its demise was near.

I had studied the available cars and I knew what I wanted, a Honda Accord, the same car I wanted when I bought the Ford. I didn't by the Honda because the dealership was filled with idiots. They argued with me that the car was not made equipped the way I wanted even though I had checked with the manufacturer's website and knew it was. So I walked out. The dealership has been sold so I decided to try again. Well, this time it was a different problem. They didn't have exactly the model I wanted. And it being the end of the season, they weren't going to get anymore. So I picked a different model–which I didn't like as much, but it would do. Now the price looked good, except as usual the dealer had put all sorts of added junk on the car to jack up the price. This goes on everywhere.

Eventually all the haggling was done, I paid for the car, signed my name or initialed about 471 times, waited for the car to be prepped and then got ready to take delivery. Now usually the salesman points out all the controls before you drive off, but this one didn't. Well, what's to know. A car's a car, right? Wrong. First thing happens is I make a turn and wack the gizmo that starts the windshield wipers. I can't figure out how to turn them off. Second thing happens as I pull up to my insurance agent to transfer the policy. I can't get my keys out of the ignition. Eventually I solve these problems, and decide to read the handbook before I go out that evening to the theater.

I get to the theater without mishap, but off course it's still daylight. Coming home it is dark. I confidently twist the knob that turns on the headlights and the little light indicator on the dashboard comes on. Perfect. I'm driving along and, and after a few minutes I'm saying to myself. "These are the worst head lights I have even seen. I can barely see anything." So I pull over and look at the lights, Yep, the headlights are on. I drive some more and figure that something must be wrong with the headlights, maybe they aren't aligned right, so I'll have to go back to the dealer the next day to get them fixed. I also notice that they dash lights seem rather bright, so I turn the dial that I think dims the lights. Nothing happens. Something else wrong.

I get home rather late, but dig out the handbook again and discover I had driven home with the parking lights on. Seems the car has running lights that use the same bulb as the bright headlights, but at a lower power. I also discover that the dial I had been turning to dim the lights actually directs the air conditioning vent. The lights are dimmed by turning the little stem that resets the trip odometer. Well, of course. That's the logical place to put it. More about these items later.

Next day, Saturday, I purchase the one accessory that I can't do without–a leather steering wheel cover. I always use them because they make the grip much firmer and more comfortable for my old arthur-ritis ridden fingers. Now I have put several of these on before, and it usually takes an hour or so to lace it on. Not this time. I started putting it on, but had a terrible time getting the needle through the holes. After a while I un-threaded everything and used an electric drill to open up every hole. Then I put it back on the steering wheel and tried again. It hadn't done much. The kit comes with two needles. The first one broke, the second one slipped out of my fingers and down into some inaccessible crevice under the driver's seat. Fortunately, I still had a needle for a previous cover so I used it until it bent beyond straightening. So with a half attached steering wheel cover, it was off to Walmart to buy a whole package of needles. Back to work, only to find out the cord was too short to finish the job. I had to make do with triple strands of carpet thread. After NINE hours the task was done, and an entire Saturday shot to pieces.

Oh yes, there was another peculiar aspect to this little project. I was working away with my sewing which occasionally required ,me to sit in strange positions. As I leaned one way I hear an odd clicking noise and the all four windows rolled down half way. Very strange. I thought I had hit the window button, but when I tried to raise the windows, nothing happened. The ignition needs to be on to operate the window. I go back to work while pondering this strange occurrence. I thought maybe this was some sort of safety device that prevents a person (or animal) from being sealed inside a over heated car. Maybe when the interior temperature reached a certain point and the sensors detected a person sitting in a seat, the windows opened automatically. This did not seem likely, but it was an idea. Some hours later, the same thing happened again, and the windows rolled all the way down. Weird. One again the handbook revealed all. It seems there is a special feature of the remote door unlocker. If you hold down the button to unlock the doors, it opens the windows. Under normal circumstances, you have the keys in the ignition, but as I was working inside the car, I kept the keys in my back pocket. When I shifted my body just right it pressed the remote and opened the windows. Geez, that could be a problem. I wonder how far away that think works. Could I accidentally open my car from inside the house?

Having solved the mystery of the opening windows, I studied the handbook to I can get an idea of the maintenance schedule. Although there was a section on maintenance, it seems that there was no schedule. There is some sort of device that displays the needed maintenance. You access it by pushing on the same stem that dims the lights and resets the trip odometer and the results is displayed on the same little panel that has the milage. I am surprised you can't drive the car by twisting that little piece of plastic.

All right, I'm getting the hang of this. I get to church safely on Sunday, Some people oo and ah about the new car. Some seem rather disturbed that I have a Honda which they regard as being above my station in life. (Hey, that's a H for Honda on the front, not A for Accura.) I'm still waiting for the abuse for not buying an American car made in Mexico instead of a Japanese car with parts made in the United States.

Well, I heading home from church. Now I have to explain that I am far sighted. I wear glasses only for reading, not for distances. That's usually not a problem because I don't usually read a book while driving. However, I am, not quite familiar with all the little icons on this car and the tiny little words written within some of the indicators. So I'm crusing along and notice that little display that tells you everything next to the twisty-pushy thing that seems to regulate everything. Well, it seems to say "TEMP A." I assume it's the engine temperature. It's up to 162 so it can't be the air temperature. But there is another gauge with a thermometer that tells that. Have I bumped the magic gadget so it is telling me oil temperature? Is this some sort of warning device that comes on to tell me something is getting to hot? The temperature is climbing" 161.1, 161.2, 161.3 and so on, and I am getting alarmed. I fished my spare reading glasses out of the secret hidey hole for glasses and looked at the display. It actually says "TRIP A" not TEMP A". It's showing the trip milage, which is what it supposed to do normally.

I was also rather concerned recently because some of the controls on the radio seemed to be in Braille. Who in the world drives a car and needs Braille? Turns out there are some bumps so you can feel which control is which when reaching over at night to change the setting. What relief! It's bad enough watching out for drivers talking on their cell phone while driving.

All of this reminds me of a children's book I once had, the magic school bus. It's about a bus where a gold button appears which when pressed makes the bus fly off to exotic places. I'm going to read the handbook again to see if there is a button like than on my new car.

Well, whether you make you journey in a new car, an old rattletrap, by scooter, or on foot, may the Lord God bless you on your way and greet you on your arrival.

Wayne