LIONS AND TIGERS AND BRIDES, OH MY!

I was preparing for a wedding a while back, and I accidently let it slip to a young lady in the congregation that I really hate doing weddings. Well, I didn't mean her wedding in particular. As a matter of fact I feel disappointed that I'll probably be retired before her wedding comes around. I don't really mind weddings where at least one of the couple is a member of the church. I did one a couple weeks ago that was quite good. The couple were very nice people. I've know the charming bride for a long time. The wedding was sensibly done, with a professional wedding planner who knew what she was doing. A wedding that is thought of as an exchange of vows before family, friends, and church members and in the presence of God can be a wonderful occasion. It's just that most of the time neither party getting married has been in church in a decade, and they're only doing the ceremony because they can't figure out any other event that would provoke big time gifts from people or mom and dad won't pay for the reception unless there's a religious ceremony first. I have polled my clergy colleagues, and they all agree that they would rather do a funeral than a wedding any day. As a Catholic priest put it to me: "There's only one word for weddings. AGONY!"

It starts with a phone call. A unfamiliar female voice asks, "I'm getting married on such and such a date and I wanted to know if that date is available and how much you charge." Here we go again. I check the date and if nothing is scheduled, explain that I will have to meet with the couple before I decide whether to do the wedding. I don't charge for weddings, but we do expect a donation to the church if a person isn't a member. Sometimes it's not the prospective bride who calls but her mother who is collecting information about going rates. Once I made an appointment to meet with the couple, it wasn't the bride and groom who showed up, but the bride and her mother. I never did do that wedding.

I generally meet with a couple in order to determine if I can ask God's blessings on the marriage. I have only outright refused to marry one couple, but that was because the groom wouldn't meet with me. Wouldn't even talk to me on the phone. I have talked several couples out of getting married. One couple got married despite my advice. The marriage lasted four weeks. One wedding nearly didn't happen because I could not get it across to the bride that she had to make an appointment. She wanted to call me fifteen minutes before she was coming over and expected I would accommodate her whenever she got good and ready to call. At least 20% of the people who make appointments for an initial session don't show up and don't call to cancel. Beginning to see the problem?

Once I've decided I can do the wedding, I give the couple a booklet with the wedding service and instructions so that they can look through the various options. Then we meet again to plan the wedding. Most of the time the groom hasn't looked at the materials at all. His only concern is that the wedding get over as quickly as possible so they can get on to the reception for the eating and drinking. Maybe the bride looks at things, but only in a cursory manner. For years she's been planning the wedding–dress, color scheme, bride's maids, flowers, photographer, favors–but it's hard to get her to consider Scripture lessons or vows or whether she wants the parents to give a blessing and so forth. So you have to go through everything knowing some ideas will pop up in her head later.

So many times people have clever ideas that I warn them against. Don't let ring bearers have the actual rings. Many times they won't walk down the aisle. I've learned to have a pair of scissors handy because they tie the real rings on to a little pillow and can't get them off. If the bride is going to have a long train, practice walking in it with the shoes you're actually going to wear. Practice kneeling in the dress. Don't divide guests up at the church into bride's side and groom's side because invariably there are a lot more of the bride's friends who come and they get huffy if they can't sit on the "proper" side. If you're having a garden wedding, spray for bugs first and DON'T us a plastic runner. The women's heels will punch right through and drag it all over the place.

The most stressful time for me is the rehearsal rather than the actual wedding. Almost always one of the groom's men doesn't show up for the rehearsal. Several of the groom's men who do show up have been drinking. Worst off all, a gaggle of bride's maids, the maid of honor, the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom DO show up and all of them have their own ideas about how the wedding should be done, and it's often at odds with what the bride has already decided and sometimes not fitting for a church wedding at all.

One of the worst battles I ever had dealt with a bride's father. This was the third of his daughters to get married and in each case he opposed the marriage and threatened not to come at all. It was a shame in this case because the groom was a very nice young man. Well, he changed his mind at the last minute and came to the rehearsal to escort his daughter down the aisle. Fine, that's a perfectly acceptable option. But then he wouldn't let go of his daughter and sit down. He wanted to "give her away." I explained that there was no "giving away" of the bride in Lutheran services (or Catholic or Jewish ones for that matter). The bride is not the property of her father being turned over to her new owner the groom. He really became angry when I allowed the groom's father to give the homily at the service since he was a minister. Despite this, he would not agree to use the part of the service where the parents gave a blessing to their children. Another time I had a bride's maid give me a hard time because I wouldn't announce. "I now present to you for the first time Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so." I tried to explain that what we did was to declare: "John and Mary by their promises before God and in the presence of one another have bound themselves to one another as husband and wife."

In the good old days there would be some fussing about proper music for the wedding. So often a couple wanted a favorite song whose words implied anything but Christian love. Now people want to bring CD's in to play, so I have to insist on hearing them ahead of time to find out what sort of garbage they want. It was easier when they had to work with a musician. We could double team them. I have had one couple get furious that they had to play the organist a set fee.

Lately I have run into a problem with brides who want each bride's maid to enter on the arm of a groom's man, maid of honor with the best man. I've said that it makes it look like a quadruple wedding, but to no avail. I don't know where this practice came from, but it's not in Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, or even Miss Manners. I usually tell people to walk naturally, but there's always somebody who wants to use the hesitation step which throws the men for a loop. I try to discourage it, but finally say, "Fine, if you want to goose step down the aisle, go ahead." I just tell myself our ritual doesn't say anything about how a bride and groom and the rest of the wedding part get to the front of the church, only that they do it. I kind of like the ancient custom where the wedding took place outside on the church porch, and then everyone came to the chancel for the blessings.

Then comes the wedding itself. There are two major headaches here. The first is trying to get the wedding started. Often brides are late, sometimes hours late for their own wedding. A while back I had one that drove up in her stretch limo, looked around, and pulled away again. It took three more trips before she deigned to get out of the vehicle. Justice was served, however. The caterer got lost or something so the wedding party was hours late getting started. Once I had to go pick up the bride and bring her to the church myself. Sometimes a relative is missing and we have to wait for them. Once I had a small wedding ready to go: Bride, groom, one guest. Now the problem. I needed one more witness to make it legal. We had to call around to get another person in to watch the wedding and sign the license.

The second headache is the photographer and videographer. I once had a photographer lay a white shag carpet down the aisle because it made a better background then our blue carpet. Another time I had a photographer leaning between me and the bride during the vows to get a shot. Another kept banging the narthex door shut behind each person who started down the aisle so he could get a better shot. Of course that meant everyone farther back in the procession including the bride and her father couldn't see what was going on. Maybe it is improved photographic methods or maybe I have gotten more skilled at dealing with the photographers, but I have fewer problems now. They take pictures during the procession, and take unobtrusive pictures without flash during the ceremony, and then I let them pose anything they want. The trouble now is everyone and their uncle jumping up to take flash pictures anytime they want during the service even when I tell them not to. One of these days I'm just going to go pop during a wedding and throw someone out of the church.

And then comes the honorarium. As I mentioned, I don't charge a fee for weddings. If the couple are not members of the church, I suggest they make a contribution to the church. Occasionally, they ask contribution should be. I have been tempted to say, "Ten per-cent of the cost of your reception," but they'd probably pass out if I said that. Sometimes the church gets $100, sometimes zilch. It's strange that they will pay $500 for party favors to pass out to people, but begrudge the church more than a pittance. Well, I guess I can't blame them. They really didn't want all that religious falderal anyway.

Oh well, such is life. Any good Christians out there who want to exchange marriage vows in the presence of God and his people, I'd be happy to travel that part of the road with you. It will be a grand occasion. However, if you're just looking for a cheap way to avoid renting a wedding hall and paying a notary's fee, well, I'd just as soon you took a detour somewhere else.

Sorry to be so grumpy. Maybe my blood sugar is down. I think I need a piece of wedding cake and a glass of champaign.


May the Lord God bless you on your way and greet you on your arrival.


Wayne