USELESS UTILITY BILLS

I'm no different from the next guy. I don't like paying bills. But when you get a product or service, you have to pay for it. I'll go along with that–except with utilities. I get five utility bills every month, and I am paying for a lot of things I don't understand. Let's start with one of the bargain of all bargains, my long distance service. I pay $1.13 a month for the privilege of being able to pick up my phone and make a long distance call if I want to. This fee does not actually get me any calls, but it gives me the right to make calls. It sounds outrageous, but it is cheaper than if I let my local carrier provide me with the same service. They want $5.00 a month for the privilege. They would also like me to pay another six or seven dollars for the privilege of fixing my phone if it breaks. I told them to take a hike. I have a tidy sum saved up if I ever need something fixed. Actually I have had to call upon the repair service once. They fixed the problem, and after they had left I discovered they had cut the wires for one of the extensions. I called the repair service immediately, but rather than having the repair-person turn around and come back, they insisted I make an new appointment and wait again for someone to show up. The phone company also threatened that I would be responsible for the cost of the repair it they hadn't caused the problem. I told them I wasn't going to pay for it. In the end I wasn't billed for any repair, the first and only time I have ever won over a utility company. More about the phone in due course.

The next bill really infuriates me. It comes from some dingbat company whose only function seems to be to send out bills. They don't actually produce anything except bills. It all began when my apartment management company got greedy and decided to charge us for two services, pest extermination and trash removal. Actually removal means you remove the trash to the dumpster and they have it carted away. All right, what can you do? Now we pay for these services by adding the cost on to our monthly rent. However, each month we receive a postcard telling us how much we have to pay (it's always the same, $8.00) and then requiring us to pay an additional $1.50 for the privilege of being told how much to pay. So we pay $18 a year for something that is utterly of no benefit to us or, as far as I can see, to the owners of the apartment complex, unless they are getting a kick-back (which wouldn't surprise me).

Next is the gas company. We have gas water heaters and furnace/air-conditioners. I wish we had gas ranges, but we don't. I now use very little gas. A year ago the pilot light blew out on my furnace, and I never relighted it. It almost cut my bill in half. According to my bill, I used 5.2 therms of gas. I don't know what a therm is exactly but is arrived at by multiplying the CCFs by the BTUs. Now the gas company charges me $1.01033 per therm for the cost of the gas. They charge me $0.40290 for the cost of distributing the gas to me. That seems fair. $7.35 is quite reasonable for hot water. But then they charge $10 a month just for the privilege of being their customer. I pay this no matter how much gas I use. Near as I can figure out, this is their profit. No matter how much gas anyone buys or doesn't buy, they are make ten bucks a customer. Something isn't right here. Suppose stores and restaurants did this, charged you a fee whether or not you shopped or ate at their establishments. We'd be up in arms. But the utilities do it because they are monopolies and can do what they like. They are guaranteed a certain income no mater how awful the service. We're not done with the gas bill yet. There is still the franchise fee. The county or city or somebody charges the gas company for the privilege of selling us gas. Naturally, the company passes that cost on to me. Then the country and the state charge taxes on top of that. And so my $7.35 worth of gas costs me $19.45, Down with the capitalist oppressors of the working people. Make the utility a public property. Ha! Better think twice about that.

The City of Ocala runs its own electric utility. Should be a bargain with no shareholders to pay, right? WRONG! My actual electric includes an energy charge, energy management cost, and a bulk power cost–whatever that is. Of course there is a customer privilege charge of $9.35. Well, it's cheaper than the gas company, but only by 65 cents. And why should a public utility have to make a profit? And why do I pay $2.78 in assorted taxes? The government taxes the government. No wonder this country is in trouble. I should mention that the City Electric Utility also provides water, I think. See, they don't bill me for any water. They bill me for the sewer, base charge $22.32 plus $12.71 for 582.853 cubic feet of sewerage. Only they don't measure MY sewerage. They measure the amount produced by the whole complex and divide it by the number of units, so I pay the same as if I were a family of six or more. I'm going to start drinking a whole lot more water to make up for may share. Now since the City has got your name and address for electric and sewer, they can add on a few other fees, $14.30 for fire service and $4.00 for stormwater charges.

Now the phone bill. It's six pages long, and I don't have anything but basic service and no long distance. What else is there? A surcharge to provide 911 service, Federal tax, local tax, state tax, telecommunications relay surcharge, interstate access surcharge, Federal Universal Service Fund and (this is my favorite) Storm Cost Recovery Charge, 50 cents. This charge is to pay for the costs of repairing damage done during the hurricanes in 2005. Now just a dog-gone minute here. I didn't cause the hurricane, so why do I have to pay for the damage? Why don't they have insurance? (No wait, they'd probably add an insurance surcharge.) Well then, why don't the shareholders take a hit instead? I read that Embarq just increased it's dividend by 10%, and this is the second increase in a year. The only increase that I get is the amount of my bill.

It's about time somebody started paying me fees and surcharges. Let's see, a service outage fee of $1 an hour when the electric goes out, plus 25 cents for every clock I have to reset. And I want a $5.00 fuel surcharge from the gas company for every time I call them and they say, "You can't do that over the phone. You'll have to come into the office." And what about the phone? I put it in and pay for it for my convenience. I want the phone company to pay me a $10 wasting-my-time charge every time they call me to sell me some service I don't want. Finally, there's my special finger wear and tear charge every time I call a utility or government office and have to "press one" for anything. At a nickel a push, I should be able to retire a year early.

Thank the Lord there will be no utility bills in heaven. The grace of God is free.

May the Lord God bless you on your way and greet you on your arrival.

Wayne