IT COULDN'T HURT BUSINESS

Our church attendance has been down a bit lately. Not sure why. My observation is that despite the recession the movie theaters are full. One wag told me, "Of course the theaters are full. People like going to movies." Hmmm. Maybe there is something in that.

When we replaced the chairs in the church, we bought the most comfortable chairs we could afford. Extra wide with five inches of foam cushion. Maybe we didn't go far enough. I remember one theater I attended had chairs that rocked. Maybe we should have put in rocking chairs. Or better yet–recliners. Yeah, I bet that would help. Recliners with cup holders, like the movies. If people could bring a drink into church with them, they'd have less of an excuse to leave during the service. And Lutheran churches always have a huge vat of coffee brewing. And maybe we could sell other things to drink at outrageous prices. And snacks, too. We'd have to be careful with snacks. Popcorn would be too noisy. Apples–well, they have a bad religious connotation. Maybe marshmallows. They'd be quiet to eat, and if anyone took to throwing them at the preacher, they wouldn't hurt very much. Besides we could think up some good marketing for marshmallows. "They're heavenly. Like eating a cloud." Or "REAL angel food." I'm going to have to work on that a bit more.

Something that's always a problem at churches it the temperature. It's always too hot and too cold at the same time. Maybe we could put in those blower gadgets like they have on planes. People could adjust the airflow to their liking. And we could pass out blankets for those that are too cold. (Maybe we could charge for them like some of the airlines do.) And then there's those headphones. Some churches have hearing enhancement systems. We could improve on that. People are always complaining about the hymns at worship, so I propose installing the Dial-A-Hymn system. People would put on noise-canceling headphones, dial in their favorite hymn, and sing away without disturbing anyone.

One more special feature–a snooze alarm. Punch it at the beginning of the sermon and you could nap until it was over. You'd awake to the sounds of "Amazing Grace" just in time for the offering. No one would ever complain about sermons being too long again. Yes, people fall asleep during the sermon. Sometimes I fall asleep during the sermon, and I'm preaching. It's really embarrassing when the congregation doesn't notice the preacher has fallen asleep during the sermon. (Got that one from the Rev. Will B. Dunn, a cartoon character by the late Doug Marlette. That's Will in the center of the picture lifting a hound dog.)

I am sure I'm on to something here. Ever since I read about churches with a McDonalds or Starbucks as part of the facility, I have been aware that I really need to bring things up to date. Yeah, right. In an institution that's nearly 2,000 years old, up to date might mean indoor plumbing. (We've GOT that. We didn't have hot water when I came. Well, we did have the potential for hot water. There was a hot water heater and pipes and everything. It's just that somebody came up with the idea of turning off the heater to save money, so while we had hot water we might as well not have had it. Sort of like the range and oven we had that wasn't allowed to be turned on. Now we have both hot water and a working oven. My gosh, we have made progress.)

"Man shall not live by bread alone," our Lord said. After reading about a Florida church that garnered thousands of visitors by passing out Starbucks gift cards, the Lord might have added, "And you don't need a grande quad ristretto nonfat dry cappuccino, either." Whatever that is, you can't get one at our church. You can get the Good News, and if you ask, I might be able to brew a pot of Kemun Mao Feng tea.

In this Lenten season, may the Lord bless you on your journey and greet you on your arrival.

Wayne







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NOBODY EXPECTS

This week someone called at church to say they hoped my wife died. The fact that I don’t have a wife lessened the impact, but it still had a sting. I should be used to things like this. It’s amazing how nasty people can be if they don’t get what they want from you. Still, I wasn’t quite ready for this one. Nobody expects a death wish.

Clergy get used to being threatened and bullied. The most common threat from people is that they will quit the church if they don’t get their way. You always have to listen to people who make threats like this. Maybe God is using them to expose a serious fault that you should correct. Maybe the person making the threat is having terrible problems and is lashing out indiscriminately. You have to listen to know what’s going on in order to be of help. That doesn’t mean you necessarily give in to the threat. So many times people are upset because the pastor or the church leadership or some member isn’t doing what they want. Sometimes when they are unable to persuade people to do things their way, they try threats. When that’s the situation, I refuse to give in. Once a person discovers they can bully you, they’ll keep on doing it. If a person is really that unhappy with you or the church, it’s better that they go elsewhere for their own sake and for the sake of peace in the church.

There is a variant quitting the church: threatening to withhold financial support. A colleague of mine was told by a member that they were going to withhold their contributions and send them to Robert Shuller. My friend replied, “I hope Dr. Shuller will be able to do your funeral when the time comes.” That was that.

Some have threatened to report me to my superiors. I have always been upheld because the bishop’s office couldn’t figure out what the person wanted anymore than I could. I have been threatened with law suits. Once I was threatened by a person so mentally unstable I had to file a report with the sheriff. It’s all part of the job.

Lent is a particularly difficult time. The work load increases dramatically at this time of year. And then all sorts of church-related groups an agencies think this is a good time to schedule extra meeting–generally on my day off. If I went to everything people want me to go to I’d never have time to do my laundry. These trying economic times are adding burdens to people, so I find myself spending much more time than usual counseling people and trying to obtain help for them. It’s what I do.

One day this week I had done what I could for several people when the phone rang for the upteenth time. I answered it, but no one spoke. I was about to hang up thinking it was another sales call, when a voice asked if they could talk to me. I said certainly and listened as the voice said her husband had died 11 months ago and she was having a difficult time. Did we have any support groups in the church? I explained we didn’t, but if they’d wait a moment, I’d get my list of groups and agencies to see what I could find. This was my mistake. I assumed that the person wanted a support group. My error was compounded when the caller asked if we had any activities for senior citizens, and I explained what had. I was still working on the tack that she wanted a group to be with. When I couldn’t find anything for grief support, I gave the caller the number for a local referral service. Before I had finished she said she already had that number and hung up.

A few seconds later the phone rang again. The same delayed response, and the same caller, this time to tell me how she had thought I would be a spiritual person. The number I had given her was for too general an organization. She then said she didn’t know if I were married, but if I was, she hoped my wife would die so I would know what it was like. She repeated this again and hung up.
Well, I blew that one. It was late in the day, and I wasn’t fast enough to hear what the person really wanted. It’s hard for me to read someone over the phone where you can’t see body language and judge all the inflections of tone. I should know by now that what people ask for is not always what they want. I felt bad about not being a help, but I didn’t think a death wish against a wife, real or imagined, was called for.

This is going to trouble me for a while. It’s hard for me to shake things off.

I was reading a book, Healthy Congregations by Peter Streinke. In it he relates an anecdote about a pastor named Heidi who comes to a declining congregation. She told her congregation, “ I care about you. I won’t always know when you need me. I need for you to let me know when you need me.” That gets at a big problem all clergy face, getting people to tell them what they need. If the person who called me had said what she really wanted, I might have actually been able to help. But Pastor Heidi also told herself something. “I will not rescue or save these people. They are needy; they are looking for Mother Teresa. I’m Heidi.” There’s the lesson: I am who I am, not who you’d like me to be. I try to tell myself that, but it’s difficult to believe.

In any case, I have sermons to write and Bible studies to prepare and people in the hospital to visit. It’s what I do.

Lent is a time for reflection and repentance. It’s part of the pilgrimage. May the Lord bless you on your journey, and welcome you on your arrival.

Wayne









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