IT COULDN'T HURT BUSINESS

Our church attendance has been down a bit lately. Not sure why. My observation is that despite the recession the movie theaters are full. One wag told me, "Of course the theaters are full. People like going to movies." Hmmm. Maybe there is something in that.

When we replaced the chairs in the church, we bought the most comfortable chairs we could afford. Extra wide with five inches of foam cushion. Maybe we didn't go far enough. I remember one theater I attended had chairs that rocked. Maybe we should have put in rocking chairs. Or better yet–recliners. Yeah, I bet that would help. Recliners with cup holders, like the movies. If people could bring a drink into church with them, they'd have less of an excuse to leave during the service. And Lutheran churches always have a huge vat of coffee brewing. And maybe we could sell other things to drink at outrageous prices. And snacks, too. We'd have to be careful with snacks. Popcorn would be too noisy. Apples–well, they have a bad religious connotation. Maybe marshmallows. They'd be quiet to eat, and if anyone took to throwing them at the preacher, they wouldn't hurt very much. Besides we could think up some good marketing for marshmallows. "They're heavenly. Like eating a cloud." Or "REAL angel food." I'm going to have to work on that a bit more.

Something that's always a problem at churches it the temperature. It's always too hot and too cold at the same time. Maybe we could put in those blower gadgets like they have on planes. People could adjust the airflow to their liking. And we could pass out blankets for those that are too cold. (Maybe we could charge for them like some of the airlines do.) And then there's those headphones. Some churches have hearing enhancement systems. We could improve on that. People are always complaining about the hymns at worship, so I propose installing the Dial-A-Hymn system. People would put on noise-canceling headphones, dial in their favorite hymn, and sing away without disturbing anyone.

One more special feature–a snooze alarm. Punch it at the beginning of the sermon and you could nap until it was over. You'd awake to the sounds of "Amazing Grace" just in time for the offering. No one would ever complain about sermons being too long again. Yes, people fall asleep during the sermon. Sometimes I fall asleep during the sermon, and I'm preaching. It's really embarrassing when the congregation doesn't notice the preacher has fallen asleep during the sermon. (Got that one from the Rev. Will B. Dunn, a cartoon character by the late Doug Marlette. That's Will in the center of the picture lifting a hound dog.)

I am sure I'm on to something here. Ever since I read about churches with a McDonalds or Starbucks as part of the facility, I have been aware that I really need to bring things up to date. Yeah, right. In an institution that's nearly 2,000 years old, up to date might mean indoor plumbing. (We've GOT that. We didn't have hot water when I came. Well, we did have the potential for hot water. There was a hot water heater and pipes and everything. It's just that somebody came up with the idea of turning off the heater to save money, so while we had hot water we might as well not have had it. Sort of like the range and oven we had that wasn't allowed to be turned on. Now we have both hot water and a working oven. My gosh, we have made progress.)

"Man shall not live by bread alone," our Lord said. After reading about a Florida church that garnered thousands of visitors by passing out Starbucks gift cards, the Lord might have added, "And you don't need a grande quad ristretto nonfat dry cappuccino, either." Whatever that is, you can't get one at our church. You can get the Good News, and if you ask, I might be able to brew a pot of Kemun Mao Feng tea.

In this Lenten season, may the Lord bless you on your journey and greet you on your arrival.

Wayne







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