INEPTITUDE

I keep wondering when I became so technologically inept. When I was a youngster, I knew about all the latest stuff. I built a crystal radio all by myself. I knew how to use tape recorders and could wire stereo systems. I knew what the various pins on vacuum tubes connected to inside. And then, then something went wrong. Now I know nothing. Everything mystifies me.

It started when I went back to college for my master's degree in adult education. We had to take a course in research and statistics (commonly called sadistics). At first everything we did involved paper, pencil and calculator, but toward the end we moved on to using an IBM PC. I remember sitting in the library in front of one of the two computers available to us mere students. I couldn't even figure out how to turn it on. It took several minutes before I could find the switch located for some unknown reason in the back of the computer. That was the first sign of technological ineptitude creeping in.

The there was the year I received a DVD player as a gift for Christmas. I had used VCRs before so I was convinced there would be no problem. I read the instruction book (yes, I read those), looked through all the various cables, studied the places to connect things on the DVD player and TV and was stumped. I could not figure out any way to connect the thing, at least not any way that actually produced sound and/or a picture. I contacted the Sony corporation which treated me like a "intellectually challenged" person and told me there was no way to connect the DVD player to my ancient television. Ancient! Why I only bought it about 20 years before, a perfectly good COLOR TV that replaced my even more ancient black and white model. Eventually I found someone learned enough to explain to me that if I connected my DVD player to the VCR and then connected the VCR to the TV it would work. Sure enough, they were right. I can't help but feel that this Rube Goldberg system was a technological step backwards, but what do I know?

About a year ago I bought a digital camera for the church. I thought we should move into the 21st century. It's not cost effective to get a artist like Lukas Cranach to draw pictures of the new remembers when they join. A digital photo is much more practical. Besides they can be posted on the church web site. Visit us at Our Saviour Church (Note: I don't post them. Matt does it. He knows what he's doing.) Anyway, the first Sunday I tried to use the camera, I couldn't even turn it on. I had to get Tyler, one of our more technically astute teens, to turn it on. I don't seem to be that good taking pictures, at least not as good as I was with old-fashioned film. Many times I click the shutter and nothing happens. After a few attempts, I turn the camera down to look at the screen, and it takes a picture of my shoes. I've taken more pictures of shoes than a professional footwear photographer. A couple of times I've snapped a pic only to discover I have taken a mini movie. I didn't even know it did that.

This past week has been a 1-2-3 punch of ineptitude. It started Tuesday when I had to buy minutes for my cell phone. I have a cell phone to use in emergencies–just in case. Many years ago my car overheated in the middle of the Florida Everglades so I came to appreciate how useful a cell phone would have been. I got one with pre-paid minutes so I can control the cost. I spend about $10 a year on it. So I find the code to press in order to add minutes, get connected to headquarters, but have a terrible time entering the many numbers of my credit card. My old, fat, arthritic fingers don't work like they used to. I can still thumb my nose at people, but pushing tiny buttons is a challenge. Eventually I made so many mistakes I got connected to a real live person. The first thing they asked was the last four digits of my cell phone number. I have no idea what they are. I never use my number or give it out. Now I am aware I can make the cell phone tell me the number, but I'm not sure how to do that. Besides it requires me to press the buttons again which is what caused the problem in the first place. After some moments I completed that process, glad to be done with it for another year.

Then there is my watch. I always buy exactly the same model Timex digital watch every time I need a new watch. It has four buttons on it, but I am never sure which button does what. If I push the one I think lights up the face, it sets off an alarm. Or if I try to adjust for Daylight Savings Time, my watch starts showing that it's 13 o'clock. Or it just does things by itself. Right now it beeps twice every hour on the hour day and night. I know if you press the right button it stops, but I don't know which one that is. And then Friday my watch bit me. I was sitting in the examining room at the doctor's office when I looked at my watch to see how long it had been. The back of my wrist near my watch had two little holes that were bleeding quite nicely as if a tiny vampire had fanged me. Being in a medical establishment, I found a piece of gauze and held it over the punctures until they stopped bleeding. I threw the bloody gauze in the bio-hazard disposal container. (I didn't want to infect anyone with watch vampireism.) The doctor was just finishing his examination of me when he spotted the wounds. "How long have you had that?" he inquired. "About ten minutes," I replied. He got out his little light and glasses and concluded it was probably from my watch and then wanted to put disinfectant on me and a bandage. I declined the offer. If I bandaged every scrape, cut, bump, and burn I give myself I'd look like a mummy.

The coup de gras came Sunday. We had a wonderful group of interpretive dancers from the Bethesda School of the Performing Arts participate in the service. Just before they were to perform, I was handed a CD to put on the church CD player. I wasn't prepared for that, but I thought there would be no problem. After all, I had wired the system myself. Wrong. I put the disc in, pressed play on the remote and nothing happened. (I later discovered someone had taken the batteries out of the remote.) No problem, I just push the button on the player by hand. Wrong again. No sound came out. I pushed buttons, tuned dials, looked at the wiring. I couldn't make anything work. They had to perform without the CD. Monday morning I tried the system again intent on finding the problem. It worked perfectly the first time.

All right now, you little microchips are ganging up on me. Well, I'll fix you. There's a hurricane heading our way which will probably knock out the electricity. Then all you electronics will starve to death for lack of power. Bwaahaahaa! Except for the camera that uses batteries. And my watch, which uses a battery. And the remote control which uses batteries if I could fund the right size. Forget about it. I have to go find my kerosene lantern. No plugs. No batteries. Except I'm out of lamp oil. Aw nuts.

May the Lord bless you on your journey and greet you on your arrival.

Wayne